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Tuesday, July 4th, 2006
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10:47 pm - New Account
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| Friday, April 21st, 2006
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8:44 pm - Leakages and Makeshift Sponges
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Okay, note to self:
When your drink leaks a pint of orange squash into your schoolbag, leaving an inch of water at the bottom, sanitary towels make surprisingly good makeshift sponges. Sticking them to your hand and pluinging them into the depths of your bag to mop up is very effective, but also makes you look crazy, especially when you do it in the middle of the school library with fifty other people around you. Only attempt again in dire situations.
current mood:  embarrassed
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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4:59 pm - I Swear I Did Not Make These Up...
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dubya is famously inarticulate
dubya is drunk again
dubya is only half as bright as his predecessor bill clinton
dubya is a moron
dubya is still having difficulties coming to terms with the difference between washington dc and washington state
dubya is admired only by idiots
dubya is the ultimate ugly american
dubya is assuming he will easily win the election
dubya is nothing more than a west texas redneck engaging in politicians' favorite game
dubya is just another republican trying to make his cronies wealthier at the expense of environmental health
dubya is such a dim bulb that he can barely open his mouth without uttering a malapropism
dubya is the most stupid person on the planet
dubya is lining the pockets of his texas oil industry friends
dubya is not human
dubya is evil as fuck
www.googlism.com
Well, that cheered me up.
current mood:  amused
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 20th, 2006
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11:21 pm - Good and Bad
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Okay, one good thing happened to me, and one bad thing:
Good: I got full marks in my China coursework, and my teacher said that it was A level standard and one of the best he'd marked in twenty years. So, good.
Bad: My grandmother broke her hip, so she's in hopsital. With a bit of luck she'll have the operation tomorrow, but she's really quite uncomfortable at the moment. So, bad.
Do you think the universe is trying to tell me something?
current mood:  contemplative
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
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4:38 pm - Icons
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| Tuesday, April 18th, 2006
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10:12 pm - The Final Countdown
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11 hours until the world ends (ie, when I have to start school again).
Question: why do I have to go there for 7 hours when I only have 5 hours of lessons?
current mood:  wishing...
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(comment on this)
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4:40 pm - Resume
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Razors pain you
Rivers are damp
Acids stain you
And drugs cause cramp
Guns aren't lawful
Nooses give
Gas smells awful
You might as well live
Resume - Dorothy Parker
current mood:  depressed
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, April 17th, 2006
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9:41 pm - My Mind Is Being Fucked With
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I hate writing Matrix fics. Too fucking difficult. Unfortunately nothing I'm writing is easy, so I might as well just write Matrix. Because then I know that everyone is getting the same mindfuck.
current mood:  working
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, April 16th, 2006
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11:43 pm - I Feel Alive, You Are My Ecstasy, It's You I'm Craving
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I've had such a headache all day. I couldn't sleep much last night either. Same dream just kept on flying around my head. The plus side was that my mum took one look at me when she got in from cycling, gave me an Ibruprofen and sent me to bed. So that was nice. It always makes me feel like a kid, secure and safe, when she does that. I didn't sleep though, so she came in and we talked about the whole stupid eBay thing, and she fully promised to kick my dad's ass if he's at all funny with me. So then I actually got some proper sleep for the first time in like 36 hours, but only for an hour, because I then had a panic attack about my China coursework, but after hammering out 2000 words on Deng Xiaoping, I felt more secure. And my mum caught me having this panic attack, so she read through my whole work and made little corrections and stuff, but she thought it was really good. And she realised that I was also terrified about learning my French and German presentations for my orals, so she's helping me with that. So after all of that drama I took another Ibruprofen and went back to sleep.
I love my mum at times like this.
Plus, a bunch of friends I haven't talked to for ages got in touch, which is always nice. And me and Vicky did a little Keanu Reeves obsessing, which was pretty silly. But I guess the cherry on top of the cake was my dad calling to see how we were, and he didn't sound mad or anything. I apologised again as well, so that can't be bad.
I just wish sometimes that being sixteen wasn't so hard. Like, I wish I could go back to being a little kid, with a normal life and normal parents and be a normal person. But I guess I'm not. If I was feeling a bit stronger I'd ask who wants to be normal? But right now I'm kinda tired and mellow, so I guess right now I'm just trying to ignore all my little deformaties. I've been doing it for sixteen years, why stop now?
current mood:  calm
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(10 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, April 15th, 2006
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9:10 am - Dreams
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I had dreams all night that I destroyed eBay, and my dad had to pay for it all. Then, he was really angry at me and running through the house to find me. I was really scared, so I hid in the shower. And then the Psycho stuff kicked in...(I've been watching a lot of Gus Van Sant movies lately), so I kinda waited there, and suddenly a face ripped through the shower partition, but it wasn't my dad's face anymore. I can't remember who it was someone's face who I really didn't want to see, because in the dream I screamed and then I woke up with a real start.
Doesn't take a psychoanalyst to figure that one out.
So, in the end I only got two hours of sleep because I couldn't get back to sleep after that, so I just stayed up, talked to my cat and read really bad books. But very safe books. I wasn't up for a book that would scare me in any way. Then, when my mum came into my room in the morning, I pretended to be asleep and got 'woken up'. I still haven't told anyone about the dream. I think it's the sort of thing which strengthens the case for my need for a therapist.
current mood: lonely
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, April 14th, 2006
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11:23 pm - Screwing Up
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God, I feel like throwing something at a wall. Something that can bounce back and hit me in the skull preferably.
I was browsing eBay, and I found a DVD of The Thing Called Love - a region free one. Considering that you can't get it in the UK, I was quite eager to do it. I asked my brother if he had an eBay account. He responded yes. I didn't know that he was using my dad's. So, I went through the stages, confirmed the order, and then...it said that we didn't have enough money in the PayPal account. So the only other option was direct debit. So, I phoned my dad to ask. Then, my brother remembered that my dad went to Ramsgate to see my grandparents (he never mentioned it to me), and so I've irritated the hell out of him by phoning up and asking questions. We agreed we'd sort it out when he came back.
Then, later, my brother discovered that apparently we're getting reminders to pay for it. Which we can't do until my dad gets back. Three days from now. So, I phoned my dad and left a message, asking him to ring back whilst we figured out what to do. We decided to send a message to the seller explaining, and also clarifying our intentions to pay.
My dad just rang back, and had a go at me for being an idiot. I just handed the phone over to my brother and let him deal with it, because, as I said to my dad, I'm sure I couldn't tell him anything. Now I'm sure my dad is very pissed at me. On the phone, he was incredibly short with me, and told me off for not knowing which account we used, though I never asked Ben. I just asked whether there was an account I could use. I should have asked. I should have been more sensible. But no, I'm the fuck up.
I didn't ask for any of this. I just asked Ben if he would help me do it. I didn't expect to get tangled up in this. I don't want anything to do with computers. I just wanted to order a DVD and then leave the computer-y stuff up to everyone else.
Why do people tell me I need more confidence in my endeavours and then rip me apart for screwing up?
No wonder I'm a total and utter screwball.
I'm sick of being the fuck-up and the screw up and the one that always gets everything wrong. I'm sick of being the one who tries to lead with her head but ends up going on instinct and always gets it wrong. I'm sick of being the one who is the perpetual child, who finds it impossible to do anything right. I'm so sick of my dad. I usually can get along with him, until I screw up and then I get it in the neck for ages afterwards.
Right now, I can't seem to please anyone. Even myself. I just seem to keep on making stuff worse.
And do you know what the really fucked up part is? A really strong person would be able to cast all of this aside and deal with it practically. Whereas I am sitting here with a void in my abdomen and tears in my eyes. I guess I'm just weak and pathetic. I wish I could be the person I want to be. I wish that I could just find some way out of this limbo I'm stuck in. Halfway between caring and not. Halfway between love and hate. Halfway between defiance and crying.
I am such a fuck-up.
current mood: crappy
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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4:26 pm - Count To Ten, Then Relax For a While
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Okay, spending four hours writing about Mao is pretty intense. Analysing the Cultural Revolution is not how I ideally like to spend my time. But right now, I'm feeling pretty damn whacked out, so I think what I'll have to do is sleep first, then write about the destruction of part of China's material legacy later.
current mood: drained
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 13th, 2006
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11:03 pm - The Distance In My Voice, Isn't Leaving You a Choice
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Well, I've officially given up on MOPI fics for today. They're hard enough, the buggers, without having the added distraction of parents. So, now, I am going to switch to Matrix fics. Because they're so much easier. Wow, I never thought I'd actually say that sentence.
current mood:  bouncy
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8:12 pm - I Wish I Had a Metal Heart
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Dear God, I finally started working on Conviction. And I realised why I have such a love/hate relationship with My Own Private Idaho fics. I love Mike, but he's very hard to write. Plus, this is not an easy fic to do. In my idealistic way, I want Scott to admit he loves Mike and then them to have sex in the car. But that might cause a traffic accident ;) Anyway, I need my angst. And it isn't as simple as sex, because they're hustlers. They know the difference between sex and love. What they need is some time, and a lot of angst to realise what they mean to each other. I'm really looking forward to writing this.
I even got started on my fanart. Because that fuels inspiration, as we all know.
current mood: working
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(comment on this)
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4:36 pm - Poster Mania
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Well, I'm feeling pretty good. I ordered two posters from allposters.co.uk, one of River Phoenix and a Neo one just because it was only £2 - and of course, that was my only motivation...I also got 20% off on some deal, and so now it's only costing me £14. Plus, they should be here in a week or two. Though, as my brother pointed out, I am actually running out of wallspace, so I'll have to do some moving around. The problem is, I like everything where it is...
current mood:  cheerful
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
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11:32 pm - Plots Lines and Procrastination
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Okay, so today I've discussed V for Vendetta fic plot lines at some length with other people, as well as Matrix plot lines. So I feel very creative. Unfortunately, I've promised to do work on both of my fics in those departments tonight. I'm not really seeing that happening now...
Oh well. Sorry guys.
current mood:  creative
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(comment on this)
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6:06 pm - Sarcasm and Assholes
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This has been making me laugh all day...
“Now, that’s all fine and dandy—you’re reasonably healthy again. Can’t say much for the brain, though, what with your car currently in the compromising position of being wrapped around a light pole downtown—can’t say much for the eyes, either, seeing as you clearly can’t read the signs written with large, glaring red, five hundred-something point font letters that say, NO SMOKING, you idiot!”
House and Constantine, gotta love 'em...
(Thanks ![[info]](http://l-files.livejournal.net/userhead/691?v=1332749543) angelfirenze - you're a genius)
current mood: cheerful
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, April 11th, 2006
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10:07 pm - The Phantom of the Opera is There, Inside My Mind
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Well, I went over to Katie's tonight and we watched Phantom of the Opera. Again. And sang along. Again. And compared the Phantom and Raoul (the Phantom won by the way). It was so much fun, but it also made me kinda sad because that's probably the last time I'll see her until our exams are over, as we're gonna be revising and busy and stressed. We also talked about the future, and that made me happy, because we'll probably both go to Hills Road, but also upset because we're not doing any of the same subjects, and it would be so easy for us to drift apart. I've known her for 13 years, I really don't want that to happen.
And it won't. Right?
Right.
current mood:  confused
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, April 10th, 2006
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11:40 pm - King Kong is Very, Very, Very Long...
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Well, I now have King Kong. And the Ultimate Matrix Collection. So I'm happy.
That's the good news. The bad news is that I think I'm going to fall asleep at my laptop waiting for KK to finish...
current mood: artistic
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, April 9th, 2006
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11:56 am - I Hate...
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I hate Constantine fanfiction.
I think that covers it all.
current mood:  angry
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(comment on this)
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chiarastorm's journal
